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May 06, 2005
Wisdomless Day 2
Health

So my mouth still feels pretty much fine. A little sore yes, but ya know I had 4 teeth taken out what more can I ask for.

On the downside I seem to be having side effects from the codine. Called the docs office this morning when I woke up with a rather bad headache. The headache keeps moving around my head and its really piercing and evil. Once I got out of bed I almost feel over I was so dizzy.

Doc took me off the codine. We are trying out 4 advil, 4 times a day to see if it will be enough. If not they will prescribe something else.

This is not uncommon for me. I have a tendency to feel worse from the drugs prescribed me than the orignal pain that they are supposed to effect. I don't know if that is totally the case here, the codine i'm sure is working on the pain, its just also causing additional pain.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be feeling better soon. But as far as the teeth go, I'm very please at how I'm doing. woo hoo!!!

11:54 AM | Comments (2)
May 05, 2005
Lip Vs. Tongue
Health , Life

Yeah, I'm having a really really hard time trying to figure out which is my lower lip and which is my tongue. Its really hard. Also, itching is really hard, I can feel the itch on my chin but when i try to itch it i can't really feel it anymore. Really strange... *sighs* so far still so good though. Numb hasn't worn off yet, my mouth is still huge!

So far no drugs... that won't last... but we shall see.

01:33 PM | Comments (0)
Fingers Not Swollen
Health , Life

My tongue is HUGE! My entire lower lip and cheeks and chin and neck all feel puffy and not real. But my fingers are fine so I can post. Apparently I'm short 4 teeth, but they threw them out before I could see them.

Oddly I feel mostly fine. I have a little bit of a headache and my mouth is rather dry. We have found a way to get a little water down with a turkey injector but so far I can't make my mouth do much so that I could really drink or eat jello or anything. It will come back eventually. And I'm sure when it does there will be more pain than I'm in right now.

I do get a bit of saliva caught in the front of my mouth and have a hard time getting it to the back to swallow. Oh and my arm hurts from the IV.

I could hear the doctors gossiping at the end of the procedure. I knew they were doing things with my mouth and they were talking about people and their SO's and how stupid people can be, but I don't remember details.

Anyway, thats all for now. Going to watch a movie for a while. Maybe doze off or something. Hopefully eat some jello soon.

I wish I could say la la la, but i don't think I can move my tongue that way.

More updates later....

11:41 AM | Comments (7)
May 04, 2005
Wisdom Teeth Away...
Health , Life

I'm finally having my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow. I'm just barely on the calm side of terrified.

I have been told since I was a teenager that I would need to lose them. The structure of my mouth is tiny. During my braces years I had to use the key gear that slowly breaks the roof of your mouth and re-heals it slightly larger. I did this twice. Even after that they still had to use size 0 appliances and bend them inward to fit my mouth. My dentist was just happy to make my mouth big enough that my wisdom teeth could come in if not stay.

A some point I made the attempt to have the teeth removed, but when I met the doctor at the consultation I wanted to run and hide he was so mean. I canceled the procedure.

During my grad school years my wisdom teeth were hurting a bit coming in still and so I made the attempt again. However since I was in school and still on my parents insurance and since in Pittsburgh was out of network, so the bill was horrible. They refused to cover my anesthesiologist which was around $500 plus whatever they didn't cover in the doctor fees... well it was way too much for a grad student to pay. Yet again no removal.

Finally I think we are good. I like the doctor he was quite nice. I know the insurance will deal with most of this bill.

So no more excuses, its time to do it. But I'm still terrified. Though on the upside the doctor thinks I can still make it to the preview of Serenity tomorrow night. I really hope it works out, it will be a good distraction.

*quivers in my boots*

05:54 PM | Comments (2)
February 23, 2005
Doing Better... I think
Health , Love , Water

My throat is raw from all the porcelain worshiping I did last night, and my stomach is threatening things, though it feels so much better that I think its bluffing. There is nothing left in my stomach for it to threaten with!

Kevin was so sweet last night. I slept on the futon because my stomach wouldn't allow me to sleep on it as I normally do, but in the futon I could curl into the crease and feel mostly comfortable. Laying just on my back has never been very comfy to me. I tried to send Kevin up to bed where I wouldn't disturb him, but he refused. He camped out on the love seat beside me just in case I needed him in the night.

I think that I ate something bad a day or two ago. I don't know why it took so long to really effect me, but both Monday and Tuesday I ate half a sandwich (which could be the culprit) and then didn't have any desire for a second meal that day.

My stomach is still in the problem land that the doctor's can't quite figure out. But for the last few days it been a bit different. I wish there was a good way to determine if it was something I ate (and what that thing was) or if its a bug of some kind.

*sighs* oh well, I guess I'm taking it easy today. I had all sorts of business naming plans for the day. :( maybe I'll feel okay a little later to go out.

10:31 AM | Comments (0)
February 22, 2005
Feeling So Icky...
Health

I wanted to be Ceili dancing tonight... but I can't!

I had hopped that since I was stuck at home I could get some stuff done. Website design and all the posting I keep wanting to do and don't always have time for... but even that is proving tough!!

I feel so very crappy!!! The bathroom is not my friend, yet I seem to be spending way too much time in there. And I can't relax or get comfy when I'm not in there. This Really SUCKS!!!! *sighs*

08:41 PM | Comments (0)
December 01, 2004
Knowing Is Beautiful!
Health

Its World AIDS Day!

I know, do you?

Find out where you can get tested: http://www.knowhivaids.org/

I have to add that I absolutely love the new TV ads that have been out. I think they are one of the most beautiful things I've seen in a while. I'm still looking online for an easy place to view the ads. I'll post when I find it.

03:42 PM | Comments (3)
November 24, 2004
Memes and Smoking
Air , Blogging , Health

98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this into your journal.

-From CapriciousK

I have to say I've actually never picked up a cigarette. I know this was due to growing up watching what smoking did to my father. He has quit at this point, thank goodness! I have to say that even without witnessing that, I don't understand where the appeal is to start in the first place. I understand the addiction, just not starting in the first place. *sighs*

Edit: And then Kevin did some research

07:57 PM | Comments (2)
October 07, 2004
Yoga Discoveries
Health , Water

So I'm learning not only about my body but also other peoples bodies too. I'm flexy girl... I have always been very flexible, bendy and twisty. I'm doing yoga now, not to increase my flexibility, but to increase my balance and strength. Because of this I hear the instructions given a little differently.

Often they will explain things by saying... "if you can, put your hip on the floor", or "if you can... do this something". I tend to get confused by these instructions because, well yes I most likely can... but I don't always understand where they want me to go. I literally don't always understand which directions other people don't stretch. Am I stretching forward or backward? Often times I really don't know. Should I be feeling something doing this?

yeah yeah, i know... woe is me... the point is: bodies are weird... and its really interesting to figure out how it all works.

05:17 PM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2004
Still Alive!
Air , Health

Okay, so I'm not quite that dramatic. It was a little out patient procedure. The worst part for me was having the IV. Due to a childhood experience with a very unprofessional doctor (thats another story involving being pinned to a table and the doctor even saying rude things to my parents afterward) I tend to feel like any needle is me actually being attacked. As a child I did actually kick a nurse. I'm much better now but its psychologically ingrained in me and I can't stop the emotions of fear that are accompanied.

This all explained to the nurse I put on my new little spa gel pack mask thingy, gave her my arm and tried my very best. She was pretty happy with my best, she said I have great veins and that I didn't flinch or tense that much. I'm very happy that she was really good at giving an IV. Don't get me wrong, I cried like a baby, but I kept all the stress in my head and didn't let it effect what she needed to do. That doesn't mean that I'm okay with needles again... just means I'm proud of myself and that I can pull it off when I have to.

I don't remember a lot of the procedure. My throat was very dry, since I'd been fasting all day and hadn't had anything to drink in hours either. I laid in the room for a while with electrodes and a oxygen monitor and the whole works and I watched the the computer that monitored my vitals for a while till the doctor came. Within a minute of the doctor entering and beginning talking to me they had me hooked to drugs and my head went fuzzy fast.

I remember them spraying this awful tasting numbing stuff in my throat a couple times and making me swallow. I don't think I actually remember them putting the tube into my throat. At one point I do remember looking at the monitor and seeing some pictures up there of my stomach. I think someone must have spoken to me to make me aware because there for four still pictures there, as in it was pretty much done. It was too bad cause I was kind of looking forward to watching the screen as they explored my inards.

I was wheeled to recovery where Kevin came to join me. And then after they decided I was good the put me in a wheel chair and took me out to the car. It was really good that they put me in a wheel chair, I was still very dizzy and getting nauseous. I had to lay down in the car and went right to sleep when I got home. Kevin has been doing a good job of taking care of me. I have more energy, don't feel so numb and drugged anymore. My arm is sore from the IV and my stomach is sore from everything but most likely from the biopsy and apparently pumping air into my stomach so they can look around. All to be expected. Overall I'm just glad that its over with.

Their findings, I guess I won't know for a while. They took a biopsy and some test of bacteria in my stomach. I have an appointment in two weeks. My tummy looks pretty clean on the inside, but that doesn't explain the pains I've been having. So I don't know.

But for all of your viewing pleasure I have included a link so that any who want to can see what the inside of my stomach/esophagus and top of the large intestines look like. These are good healthy organs by appearance, soon it will be time to find out what invisible evils they are hiding.

06:54 PM | Comments (13)
Not Really Looking Forward To Tomorrow
Health , Water
Tomorrow is my Endoscopy... I'm a bit scared. *sighs*
12:24 AM | Comments (2)
September 08, 2004
Body Work
Earth , Health , Life

I'm so very proud of myself... not only did I go to my Kickboxing class today, and feel like I was doing better in the class, but I also did an additional half hour on the rowing machine after class!! Yeah me! I still need to tell you all about the trip I'm getting in shape for... that will come this week.

On the flip side of body work, my stomach has continued to have issues. They have been minimal since the lovely weekend I had, but prior to that and a little bit since I have had continued issues. I called my doctor last week and she wants me to have a endoscopy next week. So next Tuesday they will be sticking a little camera tube down my throat to look at my stomach. I go for a consultation tomorrow. It shouldn't be too bad I hope. Kevin wants to video my insides and blog them. I just want to feel better. We shall see how it all turns out.

06:08 PM | Comments (2)
August 06, 2004
Get In Shape Girl
Health , Water

Motiviated by both a really cool upcoming trip (its been in the works for a while now, things are recently becoming more solid - I'll share details very soon) and an overwhelming need to take control of the portions of my health that I can, I have started to build a routine that will get me in shape.

The piece of the workout is Kevin and I's weekly bike ride. We have been doing it (usually Thursday Mornings) for a little while now, but we have begun increasing the length. Yesterday our bike-ride took us 9.63 miles around the Mountain View/East Palo Alto Baylands reserve. My original guesstimate had been longer for this trail, but thats okay, we have a few additional loops we can add onto our current one to make it longer.

I'm loving it, I usually want to turn back during the first 15 minutes as my muscles remember why I do it, and then it becomes a blast. It took us about 1 hour 20 minutes, though 15 minutes was spent at our halfway stop photographing an egret. Our top speed was 16 mph (short racing bursts), gotta love Kevin's GPS.

Oh, and to add in a little bit of the "we are way too cute of a couple and we should make you all sick" feeling to the post, check out the heart shaped route we took:

To top it all off I joined a Health Club yesterday. I took my first yoga class today and next week I plan to take a kickboxing class and play racquetball with Kevin. With the help of Ali I'll soon be adding a weight work out plan to the mix. I'm excited... I just hope I can keep it up and really get in shape by October. Woo hoo... *does a little dance*

Oh yeah, and there is the great exercise of dancing every week too.

*and geeky kudos to anyone who actually remembers where the post title came from* ;)

03:00 PM | Comments (1)
August 05, 2004
My Big Brother Rex
Air , Family , Friends , Health

No, he's not really my brother, but he might as well be. He has been my best friend and big brother for about eight years now. I made mention of his accident at the end of my last post, but now I have finally talked to him and have details so I'm catching you up.

About a week ago while Rex was driving in a 45 mph zone, some one going the other direction swerved and hit him head on at 90 mph. There is speculation it was a drunk driver, but I really don't know much about this end of things yet.

The injury list has been given to me at a few different levels, and truthfully I'm a bit dazed and don't really remember it all. I know he broke both legs in several places (one I know was turned all the way sideways at one point) as well as his femur (I think thats his foot/ankle) and his right knee. There are other scrapes and things but no internal damage and for that I'm ever so thankful.

In the past week he has undergone 3 separate surgeries with a day recovery between each one. Through all of this he is still in good spirits and even though he is in a lot of pain he is being stronger and better about this than I think I could ever hope to be.

I find myself being mad at the world. Besides Rex's accident and my stomach problem (which is ever so minimal in comparison to everything else), we have had the death's of Kevin's father and grandmother in the last year, my sister has been having problems with her uterus, Kevin's cousin Steve's wife Susan had complications with her pregnancy (luckily everything turned out fine), my friend Ryan has two friends who recently lost babies though.

My friend DanaMarie's mother had some pre-cancerous growths removed from her colon and while that went well she seems to now have an infection in her diaphragm, in addition her cousin Tara has been diagnosed with cancer in her uterus. And to top it all off this weekend one of our friends Mark had a rare accident where the spark plug popped out of his car and set it on fire; even rarer was the fact that it didn't explode, he was fine. However Krissy's boyfriend Noah was not as lucky as the other day a car cut him off on his motorcycle and he was forced into the the center concrete barrier. Like Rex he is also currently in the hospital. He had surgery on his ankle and is in a lot of pain but should be going home and starting rehab possibly tomorrow.

All of this stuff has happened in the last year. About 95% of it happened in the last two or three months. Its driving me nuts, I'm pissed at the world, I'm worried about all of my friends and family, I've even been a little scared while driving.

Everyone in the world is too negative lately, there is too much bad energy floating around. I'm scared and worried, but I'm working on turning it around. I need to think good thoughts and send good energy everywhere I can. Please, if you find yourself being upset or reckless or stressed, take a moment and think about someone you love, some moment of happiness, something good and send a little good energy into the world. I know its all cheesy and stuff, but I can't take any more of these things happening, and no one else should have to either. Also send Rex and the rest of the people I've talked about here and everyone you know some good thoughts. They will all appreciate it.

I'm ending this post now, and knowing that a lot of my past posts have been sad, depressed or dismal in some way I am now making a conscious effort for my posts for the next few weeks to be upbeat and fun. Stay tuned...

12:21 PM | Comments (5)
August 04, 2004
Hospitals Hospitals Hospitals
Family , Friends , Health , Travel , Water

I'm about sick and tired of hospitals!

Kevin and I went to Vegas to visit my Mom and Dad this weekend. It was their first vacation in about 13 years and the first real one where they weren't dragging kids in tow and having to entertain them too. It was nice to be able to visit with them, also have entertainment around us, and also have the ability for them to be alone and for us to do a couple things on our own too. Overall it was just good to see them again since I hadn't seen them since Christmas.

I could have done without the trip to health center clinic though (very much like an emergency room). We got there Sunday afternoon, and by sunday evening I had a cramps in my upper abdomen, just below my ribcage, just left of the center of my torso. I ignored it, it was a dull pain and it would go away. But it didn't go away, and by 2pm the next day it was getting worse. A stronger constant pain which became sharp pains whenever I took a deep breath. I tried laying down for a while, laying on my back made the pain go almost completely away. I rolled onto my front so I could maybe sleep and found myself in horrible horrible pain.

At this point Kevin called his cousin Steve who is a doctor. I really hope he doesn't mind us bugging him. Its nice to know there is someone to talk to and get advice about whether something needs to be checked out right away or if it can wait.

Steve asked me lots of questions and in the end decided he that without examining me he couldn't figure out anything further. He didn't think it was a super emergency, but he didn't think it was nothing and wanted me checked out by someone. So we tried to find the hotel doctor, or which the Paris hotel did not have. However just behind the next-door hotel was a 24 hour health clinic. Kind of that step in between the hotel doctor and going to the ER. I was hoping that it might not take as long as a ER would, but either way it would have to do.

Sadly we were there for about three hours, 4pm till 7pm. They poked and prodded me eventually finding the spot that brought me to involuntary tears when she poked. She was pretty sure it was my stomach but mixed up this cocktail I had to drink, which would numb my stomach and she would be able to be sure that was the area of the problem. That cocktail was weird, my tongue got numb, my tonsils got numb, my throat, down the pipes and to my stomach which go very numb. When she came to poke me again it didn't hurt anymore.

My stomach already has digestion problems that we are trying to figure out, but it now has more. I have a new medicine that is supposed to help make the acids my stomach needs to break things down. That might help. There could be something wrong in the lining of my stomach. We aren't sure, Steve was happy with the immediate progress but I need to follow up with my home doctor now to figure out the rest of the specifics.

For the rest of the day my tummy was still numb. I would take a deep breath and brace for the pain and there would be none. I was a void of pain where I knew it should be and that was weird. The next day there wasn't as much numb as just the fact that I could feel that my stomach wasn't completely happy, but also not in pain. Hopefully things will get better, but it all at least allowed me to relax and have a bit more fun with my family and Kevin.

I'm back now, and I'm only holding off making my doctors appointment to find out when I might be going to florida. You see, like I said at the beginning I'm tired of hospitals and the need for them. When I arrived home last night at about 11pm, there as a voicemail from DanaMarie telling me that Rex, one of my dearest best friends, was in the hospital. He had been in a car accident, broke both his legs and his ankle and apparently there is a longer list of injuries. He has been in surgery once and is going in again soon.

I have his phone number for his hospital room, but its been busy. So I'm writing all this down. I'm anxious to find out what happened. I really want to go be with him. I know I've barely been home for the last two months and that I have lots to do here, but most of it can all wait. My friend is in the hospital, and if he wants me, I feel a strong desire to be there, at least for a day or two.

*sighs* I'm tired of hospitals.

10:43 AM | Comments (1)
June 30, 2004
Confuzzled
Family , Health , Love , Spirit

I'm sorry I haven't been writing very much. The truth is that I don't know what to write. You know that Kevin's grandmother is ill and we have been back and forth between LA quite a bit. I don't want to go into the details because Kevin has a beautiful post he is working on writing that will explain things better than I can right now. But the short of it is that things are not going well.

Amidst all of this we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin's fathers sudden death, only a day after Kevin's birthday.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to watch Kevin have to go through this all. I know that I have done everything I can to help him and his family. I know that just being there I have helped Kevin. But, like with all death, I feel very helpless and useless.

I find myself frustrated with many things in life right now and I have less and less desire to be around people. I was actually relieved with Ceili dancing was canceled last night because as much as I know it might have been distracting and that people there would be supportive, I still feel like its a public place and I have to be strong and have on a good face.

I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted right now, and the less times I HAVE to be strong the better. Too many tears in a public place and suddenly its a scene. I was ever so grateful to spend my evening with Ali and Krissy and Ester with chocolate and alcohol and hot tub and kitchen counters no worries about being strong. Being somewhere I felt like I could cry if I wanted to and not worry about it. Being somewhere comfortable where I didn't have to be alone.

I'm not getting stuff done either. Today I will because I need to get more pictures scanned so that Kevin and I can finish the photographic slide show of Grandma Kitty. But other that stuff directly related to what MUST be done ASAP, I find myself distracted and frustrated. The house is a disaster, I only just paid the bills for June and its nearly the end of the month, and I have many many PhoenixFeather Photography tasks on my list that I haven't really started.

I know this is normal, I know this will pass. I have been through a great deal of deaths in my life. My family is young, they married young, they had kids young (compared to my family I'm an old maid at 26) and so I got to know all but 2 of my great grandparents as well as much extended family. One of my great grandmothers is still alive (I love you Grandma Judwick), but I have been through the deaths of 5 great grandparents, 1 grandparent and a few other family members. None of them are easy, some of them are harder than others. My Great Grandpa Judwick was one of my ideals and his death only a few years ago was very hard for me.

This is different. This isn't losing someone whom I loved and whom I will have fond memories of. This is watching someone I love lose the people he loves. This is watching the pain he is going through, and that his family is going through.

When Kevin's father David died last year, I think I still barely knew Kevin. I had met his father once and talked with him on the phone and heard stories. He was a very cool man, but I didn't know him that well. Kevin and I had been dating about 6 months and really weren't incredibly serious about each other. David's death was sudden, he was only 60 and the whole thing was very very hard. I say was but I shouldn't... it still IS very hard. I give Kevin lots of credit for the way he has dealt with everything. I got to know Kevin more than I had planned to then. I'm grateful that I did, but at the same time I wish it hadn't had to have happened that way.

I'm not really sure at this point where I'm going with all of this. I feel the need to explain why writing and pictures have been slow, and will continue to be since we will be going away again very soon. It will turn around and there will be things here again.

I also feel the need to write down what I'm feeling in hopes of maybe sorting it out.

Kevin's birthday is this Sunday. I haven't gotten him anything. I talk to him every day, I stand beside him, watch him, do what I can to help. I cry inside because no matter how Kevin hides it I can see what he is feeling, how he is hurting and there is nothing else I can do that I'm not already doing to help. Neither of us sleeps well lately and sometimes when I'm awake I watch him sleep. When I'm trying not to think about what is going on, I try to think about something happy, what to get him for his birthday.

Anything I get him for this birthday just seems so trivial. I wish I could give him his birthday back.

11:56 AM | Comments (3)
June 23, 2004
I missed you!
Earth , Health , Travel

Sorry about the lack of posting. If you read Kevin's blog you will now know that we have been in LA spending time with his grandmother in the Hospital. She has been through quite a lot but is slowly getting better.

We aren't out of the woods yet, but things are looking up. We are keeping our fingers crossed and going back down there Sunday morning for a couple more days.

08:47 PM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2004
Finally Over!!
Health , Water

So I had my 4th breast exam in 2 months today. I'm happy to say it will be the final one for a while. I finally went to a wonderful specialist and we did an ultrasound on a couple of different areas that she had some questions about.

The ultrasound showed that the areas of concern were very simply normal fatty deposits that were inside the breast tissue. These fatty deposits were thicker in these areas than in the rest of the tissue, however since a breast is pretty much made of tissue, fat and glands this is not a bad thing.

This is a huge load off my mind. Some of the tension is still working on leaking away, but most is already gone. Dr. S was a wonderful doctor too, and what makes me feel even better is that she says from now on I don't have to go to 3 exams before seeing her. If I can do my own checks and I notice areas that feel like frozen peas (she says broccoli is okay, but frozen peas get checked) I can just go right in and see her and get the ultrasound right away. This really makes me feel better. I have no intension of ever taking her up on this offer if I don't have to, and I won't run in for any little thing, but if something really worries me I'm really happy to know I can find out what it is right away.

So thats it on this issue. Thank goodness its over!!!

06:27 PM | Comments (4)
April 01, 2004
The Country I Want To Live In!
Fire , Health , Politics

Props to Planned Parenthood for this one!! I have to say this is awesome! I really wish it was true. *sighs*

The White House's Irresponsible Choices

But I do have to comment on two things.

1. April Fools is prolly the best marketing technique there is. This type of thing totally grabs my attention. Without this one I may not have ever known about this issue.

2. What is with this administration just doing whatever it wants? And I think there are too many issues that aren't getting notice. Everyone is so hyped up over the 9/11 trials that we have heard almost nothing about the gay marriage amendment. And I for one had no idea about the "abstinence-only" initiative.

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough to get informed, but then there are a lot of americans a lot less informed than I am.

I have already signed up online to help with the Kerry campaign, I don't know what I will do yet (not door to door or calls since I just can't mentally justify those things), but I'm going to do my part.

Kevin has great ideas for ways to inform the nation, I think I'm going to have to come up with my ideas as well. I really can't take this.

I want to live in the country in that spoof article, not the one I'm currently in.

10:45 PM
March 31, 2004
Update
Health , Water

My doctors appointment went fine. The lump has not changed so I have been referred to see a specialist and most likely get an ultrasound done to try and find out what this is.

Some amount of immediate stress is gone, at least in the anticipation stress I was feeling in going to the doctor today. However I'm still stuck in that trap of everything being unknown and some part of me not really wanting to know (that whole no news can't be bad news syndrome).

Anyway, thats the update and the saga goes on. Its a happy Nym (my kitty) day though, she is keeping me company while Kevin works his little tush off!!

02:08 PM
Mind Ramblings
Dancing , Health , Life , Love , Water

Tonight I took my first intermediate class at St. Stephen's Green Ceili dancing. It was fun, confusing but fun and I'm feeling good about my dancing progress. It was a good dancing evening though I didn't take too many pictures. Kevin was able to come for a little bit. I really do miss dancing with him; he has been too busy the last few weeks to go dancing much. Overall a good night!

Home now winding down from the evening. Weighing heavily on my mind right now is tomorrows doctors appointment. This will be my third breast exam in less than two months (if you don't know the story you can read it here).

I'm not sure what I think or feel about any of this anymore. Its not the worst it could be, it might be nothing, or something mild which could still call for removal. Who knows at this point, all that I do know is that I'm a ball of nerves. Not knowing is killing me as much as the possibility of knowing. Weird I know - but true. Anyway, tomorrow I see the doc again and we will see what happens.

I have to note how thankful I am for Kevin. When I spaz-out about one thing when this is really what bothers me, he figure it out and forgives me and holds me. He's also going with me tomorrow, he will mostly just be waiting for me, but just knowing a friendly face will be there after is one less worry.

In any case thank you to everyone who helped me learn new dances tonight; And wish me luck tomorrow.

12:18 AM
March 25, 2004
A Woman's Right
Health , Life , Politics , Water

This seems to be the topic of day in blogs I read. And its important so I feel the need to comment.

I am Pro-Choice because no one should be able to tell me what I can and can't do with my body. But besides that different situations call for different actions.

For example my friend DM recently made a post in her live journal about 3 women she knows (I know two of them); this is the short version of her post, but her long version is so so worth reading.

Woman 1: Recently had a baby at age 20. Is a very strict believer of all catholic practices and so never gave a thought to abortion. She dropped out of college, her parents took out a second mortgage. Her husband to be owns his own mortgage company and barely makes any money, so she and the baby are on welfare. She had planned to go back to school in a year, but it doesnít' look like it will be possible till the baby is in school, if then. They are planning to be married in May, but he makes excuses to say at work and she plays the house wife but sneaks in a drink here and there. And this poor baby though she has parents who love her also has parents who resent the life they are now forced to live.

Woman 2: Had a child who is the joy of her life. Her second child is being induced tomorrow and everyone is excited and happy. Her first child is healthy and happy. They may not be a perfect family, but itís a good life.

Woman 3: Recently had an abortion. It was a hard decision and against her catholic upbringing; however she and her boyfriend discussed it rationally and decided it was the best thing. They didnít believe it was something they were mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with. However she can never tell her mother because she would never have approved. She knows it was the right decision for her to make, but it was a very very hard one. She went through the procedure quite well and is going to be quite healthy.

Three women, three circumstances. Whether they made the right decisions can't really be judged. I don't think woman 1 did, but that is my point of view and may not be right. The point is that these three women are examples of the right to choose that they have as US citizens.

Blacksheep also posted today about abortion; this time about laws. The senate has now ruled to recognize "a fetus as a separate victim in cases involving pregnant women". This may not be a ruling to outlaw abortion but this will be used in cases to support the outlawing of abortion.

Abortion isn't right for everyone, but we live in a country that was created so its people could choose what they want to believe and practice. This should count for our bodies as well as our minds.

05:29 PM
March 19, 2004
Angry Angry Oh So Angry!!
Fire , Health , Rant

I'm warning you now... this is a rant... just warning you!!!!

I am so so so angry!!! Some of you know that I have a possible health issue. Itís a possible issue with a non-cancerous breast lump. If you want the whole story read it here.

To continue the story, I knew that my insurance ran out on my birthday, May 1st. Since that was coming up fast Kevin and I got to work on making sure I was going to be covered all the way through. Now one of the downsides of my current insurance is that it won't cover anything preventative, only specialist/emergency issues while I'm not in the state of NY, which is the insurances origin.

So I call to find out what paperwork I need to deal with in order to transfer myself over to Kevin's insurance on my birthday. I get on the phone with them and they are all of a sudden telling me that they have made a mistake and they need to cut my insurance that day. No grace period, nothing.

So Kevin was wonderful, we scrambled, signed some papers at Google to start the process of getting me on his insurance. The only thing missing is the letter from my old insurance telling me the date that they stopped covering me. This allows the new insurance to retroactively pick me up from that day and I have continuous insurance.

The insurance company promised to fax a copy of the letter I needed. They said it would take them 3 days to get the letter together. After meeting with Google, the HR department asks if the letter can be faxed directly to them. I call back to find out if this is possible. Well the girl I had been talking to has left for the day. Well I just want to change the fax number, so I tell the guy this and he comes back telling me its illegal for them to fax this to me at all. He says he can mail it, or I can have the new insurance agency call them. Kevin and I decide that it will be easier to have it mailed.

That was Monday and I have been checking every day for the letter so I can get things going. I have an eye doctor appointment on Tuesday (I've been wearing the same contacts way longer than I should have) and my third breast exam this year is on March 31st.

I got the letter today. Itís a computer print out that the guy I talked to that day made from his computer screen. It lists my original end date, 05/01/04. It says NOTHING about the fact that they already dropped me from the insurance; it doesn't have the right end date on it, and it does me NO GOOD WHAT-SO-EVER!!!

I'm so angry right now. By the time the mail was delivered today, the insurance company was closed (east coast time). So now I'm stuck, waiting all weekend... further putting off this issue. While I can claim that I have insurance... I really don't and the whole issue is kind of shaky. I think I would be covered by Kevin's insurance - as in the insurance company would wait for everything to go through and then back pay the docs. But I see headaches for me in this situation.

Truly, I got this letter and wanted to cry and scream and stamp my feet. They have reduced me to a child having a tantrum. This whole unknown health issue is stressful enough to me without adding this crap on top of it all.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant!! I might still go do some screaming or something. The insurance company will at least get an earful on Monday! *sighs*

NOTE: Later in the evening, after I had figured out how to get them to fax me the right letter on Monday, Kevin called me. He went to check his desk at work and a fax had arrived. Apparently the guy who insisted he mail the letter (and got it wrong) never bothered to tell the first girl I had talked to about this. So when she got the letter she faxed it to Kevin anyway. All in one day the insurance company messed things up completely and then fixed it, all without even knowing it. Don't you love with the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing!!! End Rant!

05:30 PM